You cannot address loneliness with ill advice, "explanatory blame" and stereotyping
Let me speak from personal experience. It is not such a hot topic to speak about loneliness when being young. I haven't spoken about loneliness because I deliberately avoid ill advice, clichés and blame. I am not looking for someone pointing a finger to character traits that might be to blame. Certainly, I don't even know why I have been alone ánd lonely for a great part of my life.
I don't mind exploring dark themes like loneliness, a topic that none of my peers has ever welcomed to discuss openly.
I absolutely despise the thought of ever getting old, living my life just for myself alone. It is a curse. No one should try to convince me that life is worth living for a purpose if I have to live without strong social bonds. Being alone is not rewarding, not comforting, it's the opposite- it is cold and empty. May I ever succumb, it is not due to being depressed- it's due to being done with being alone for no good reason.
Now, I have no remaining family. Since the loss of my mother on 18 February 2023, I have literally been all by myself, to this day I have exactly no one to resort to or share my feelings with, even though I am an expressive, honest, not-so-easily-offended and talkative person. I know myself well. I know that I am not one to hide myself and douche myself in darkness.
I do resent those people who have always assured me that I should just "Call whenever you need me, I'll be there", were "too busy", whilst they were most likely just watching tv that Saturday night, when I had to return to an empty house while there would be no one to talk to in the upcoming weeks or even months. Those people who assure you they will offer you help amidst dark times, they just don't care or they experience fear themselves. Fear to deal with bereavement.
I really hate posts beginning with "Loneliness is perception", and clichés like "Loneliness does not equal being alone, it is just a feeling". I am not looking for useless advice either. You've probably heard:
"Reach out to people".
"Loneliness is a sign that you should seek connection with your friends and family".
"Go make friends as soon as possible".
"Go volunteer. The elderly need help too".
People who take these clichés into their mouths: do you really think that a lonely person didn't reach out or had been trying to make friends? Do you think that pushing a cart and serving drinks in an elderly home solves loneliness amongst either the young and the elderly? Likewise, the ill-founded kind of "advice" to "avoid stress" is a truism. If loneliness brings one to the edge, how does one avoid being severely affected in their wellbeing?
Stereotyping makes things worse. The typical lonely girl/boy/woman/man is depicted as a depressing, dark-minded, isolating, not fun, heavy-hearted, energy-lurking individual.
When it comes to personality traits, the lonely one is a shy or either standoffish arrogant being, a pathetic people-pleaser, unsociable, not reaching out, social cue-lacking, thinking highly of themselves or downtalking themselves all the time. Something must turn other people off.
How loneliness hit me in the face
Hence, I don't have an explanation for loneliness. It's not that I would feel embarrassed to talk about this openly, but I never, literally never want to hear ill advice, clichés and stereotypes.
In my youth, I was hardly ever alone. I enjoyed being surrounded by friends my age all day. I did not enjoy introspective activities like reading or drawing in my room. Times when I enjoyed drawing, it was when I was together with at least one friend or a group of children from my neighborhood. Most of my youth I was spending time with a friend outdoors, doing some pretend-play or playing games in the backyard (Yes, it was the Age of Internet, but we were not allowed to use the internet and I am quite greatful for that. It was hilarious and even a bit exciting to secretly browse the internet while our dads were at work, only to get busted by the internet history not being erased). Many times my backyard or the living room was really crowded.
These childhood friends went to other schools and I haven't seen them since high school. In high school I was very talkative (..) and I rarely had a moment of not chatting with a classmate next to me or cracking jokes with a classmate at the back row. I did not like school that much, but I enjoyed the fun we had.
After high school I was faced with loneliness for the first time in my life. It was a massive blow. Being lonely during adolescence, coming of age and early adulthood is not spoken of. It is damaging. It extended into my college (university) years. I was really eager to meet new people and make friends during my college years, but it did not happen. There were not much friendships evolving in college either way.
It is not that I can't stand being with myself and my own thoughts; I don't enjoy being alone. I love companionship and sharing. To be met with my desire for companionship means that I need a strong connection with someone. The opposite, having no one to talk to, is literally lonely. It happened to me and still happens to me right now. I am not a dark person, loneliness is a dark place to be in. Of course I have been questioning the cause of my loneliness throughout my life. It hurts me really badly. I cannot even put into words how loneliness feels. I still try to find an explanation as to why I have been alone for a great part of my life. Beforementioned clichés and stereotypes do not offer any insight or help.
I, like many humans, am wired to nurture strong social bonds. That does not make a loved one the main purpose in life.
"Snob"
People think of me as someone who could cope with all the hardships in life. People think of me as highly intelligent and therefore "high maintainance", it probably pushes some into thinking they better avoid my presence. Some people said I look and talk snobby or high-class. I can't change the way I look or talk, nor would that be sincere. I don't go along with everything. I am not a pleaser. You can't fool me. Even though, as someone who has no family I am in a vulnerable position, I am never unstable nor defenseless. But none of that makes me arrogant or standoffish.
I have heard that people cannot classify me as they think I don't look Dutch. Out of the blue people told me I do look Slavic (well, surprise, I am Slavic). Maybe I don't look familiar enough to fit in. But that doesn't explain how Polish and Ukrainians have settled with their Dutch spouse in my neighborhood since ages. Being ethnically mixed, does that account for loneliness?
I am not very serious in life, on the contrary, I am witty, I love joking. I am very talkative. It is completely against my nature to have to remain socially isolated/to be left alone with no one to talk to. I never need time off from being engaged in a busy life. It is also against my nature to have to resort to introspective activities. I still don't enjoy reading or watching tv/series. I have no Netflix account.
I don't complain about physically exhausting chores or the weather. I never complained about workload. I never hide myself. I never shy away from my feelings. I will not share my feelings with insincere people. I can easily detect when people are non-authentic. People can always have dinner with me, I like to offer people food in abundance. I am the opposite of West-European/Dutch "kringverjaardagen" and "zuinigheid".
I am straightforward. Many people cannot handle other people being really honest. I have learned that from experience. I am always up to trying something new. My activities may look chaotic and my space a mess, but I am always able to navigate through chaos. I have always hoped for a man to be mine- and most of all, to fit me. I feel attracted to men who are uplifting.
I have much to offer, but it all goes down the drain. I certainly have reached out and I still do reach out, but people generally respond with a lack of enthusiasm.
Loneliness, bereavement and a plethora of lukewarm people
My mother dreaded dying last month. She was frightened for having to leave me, knowing that I am her only remaining family member deeply suffering from loneliness. She knows I had no one to share my grief with. And yes, here I am. I literally have no one. Like I said, I have reached out. I have contacted the municipal social network and offered my abilities to organizations in need of support. I have also offered my skills as a legal professional, writer, illustrator and spokesperson. I have offered my cooking skills. I have offered my abilities as a translator for Slavic refugees. Mostly I get a lukewarm response. In general, people respond lukewarm to my enthusiasm. If that means that I should tame my enthusiasm, I feel like holding back. I asked myself whether it's probably due to the nature of the Dutch, but that would not make sense, since there are many warm-hearted, sincere, enthusiast Dutch people as well.
My mother and I were uniquely similar. It wasn't through nurture, we do have very similar character traits. I have a strong connection to her. It does not only hurt me being left alone in this world, having no family of my own, not knowing any of our family members who live somewhere in Eastern Europe, a place that has been haunted by wars for millennia. I can't be reconciled with my family as our family name has been erased by the Dutch.
It also hurts me every single time I try to reach out to her. I enjoyed sharing and talking with her. I want to buy her a surprise every time. I want to make her dinner. What we had, was the same energy. She was always optimistic, full of enthusiasm and life. I can't easily find people with a similar kind of energy.
I have to suffer this all by myself. The hardships. Not having anyone to share my life with. Loneliness does not do any good. It sinks all creativity, joy in life, my personal abilities down the drain.
Loneliness is a legacy left unknown.
