I never knew that it wasn't that normal to have no extended family, until I learned from the false adoption history affecting my grandmother, my mother and ultimately me
I never thought that being the 3d generation of an extremely small family of migrants would have hit me like this: it means that I am the only remaining member in my country of residence, the Netherlands. During my formative years and adolescence, I never heard a word about my actual ancestry. As a child, I just assumed it was normal to have no extended family on my mother's side. But I was at times surprised to see my Dutch peers with their huge extended families during anniversaries and birthday parties. Little did I know that (speaking from mitochondria) were weren't very Dutch.
My grandmother was put up for a false kind of adoption. She was assigned a Dutch name. To prevent my grandma from becoming an heir, her foster mother refused legal adoption, even though her foster father was planning to adopt her. The dispute arising over her "foster mother's" unwillingness to grant my grandma legal rights led these foster parents to put my grandmother into a children's centre.
The Netherlands denied a residence permit and refused to guide the remigration process
Her biological father was either a refugee or a labor migrant from the Soviet Union (pre 1990). He had to relocate to the USSR when he was not granted a permit to reside in The Netherlands. What my grandmother did know, was that her father had formally requested to be reunited with his daughters. The Netherlands did nothing to orchestrate a remigration programme for these migrants' children.
Not only did The Netherlands refuse to guide remigration procedures; our actual family name and language were erased as well. No trace was left for my grandmother, my mother and me. That is what assimilation is like: it is not inclusion by any means to cut people off from their family ties.
I am the only remaining family member in The Netherlands. Our family dies off with me
Well, here I am. I am the only remaining family member in The Netherlands. I don't know who my relatives are, I don't know where they reside, I don't even know our actual surname. I can't compare with family members to know if we have personality traits in common. I will never know if they are as impatient and talkative as we were. I do not know whether they are as articulate and strongly opinionated. I guess so. These are traits that defined my grandmother, my mother and me.
Since the loss of my mother in February 2023, it hit me really hard to have no family members left. With me as the only link between The Netherlands and our country of origin, this small family dies off. I have no children, no family of my own. It is an actual burden to live for me alone, I absolutely dread getting old without family. I despise the prospect of living for myself. It's not self-pity. I don't enjoy my life as a standalone. A strong family bond is what I valued ánd wholeheartedly enjoyed in life. People from West-Europe may maintain that individuality is the highest value in life, but that is just an artificial way of denying life's purposes as a social species. There's no need to dispute that, as if there was a purpose to live life for one's own. Being literally alone is hurtful. My mother and I had a strong bond. I would have wanted to know whether our relatives have something in common.
Every once in a while I have to repeat that my mother and I had no family. People often assume that other people have family members to help them through bereavement and the many tasks involved in settling the inheritance. I don't think my position is completely unique. But I do have to emphasize that either remigration programmes (and therefore family reunion in the country of origin) or inclusion are indispensable for the wellbeing of subsequent generations.
What still hurts me to the core: with such a small family and health care assistance being denied systematically, each of us had to depend on each other for extensive care
My grandmother died young, her sister died even younger, my mother had the same prospect when she was just in her thirties. Since my grandmother had her daughter as her sole family member, she had to depend on my mother when she suffered from gynaecological cancer that had metastasized. It was severe.
The same hold good for my mother. My mother was denied professional health care following her first cancer surgery and during chemo and radiation. As a child going to elementary school, our government expected me to provide my mother with health care. Three times more I would be the caregiver. I never felt it as a burden to care, even if it would become physically straining. Years before her first primary cancer diagnosis, she had suffered dangerous pregnancies. As if life hadn't hit her hard enough, I was the only one in her life she could depend on.
In January 2023, my mother became paralyzed due to brain tumors. After intracranial surgery, she would recover for a couple of weeks, until the tumors had grown. It is good for nothing to see someone full of life and energy become bed-ridden, not being able to pick up the phone, call me, not being able to sit up in bed, not being able to pick up a drink. I had to take care of her fully, but I also had to visit home every now and then to take the mail and do her laundry. I had to walk 45 minutes to get to the bus. With all of this heavy luggage that I had to take to the hospital and the palliative unit. And I thought: it would be absolutely terrible if something happened to me right now, or if I got stuck in a huge traffic delay while she could not even pick up the phone. It is bonkers to have no assistance in such a situation. And I did request professional assistance, but again we were denied of care.
I am vocal about never being offered any kind of (medical) assistance in our vulnerable position, being two family members without the support of an extended family, immersed in severe health crises and their accompanying grief, all by ourselves. Even while being vocal and concise about the need for assistance, I was denied of it. People tell others "One should not endure health crises and grief all alone", well, that is what happened to us for two decades and still happens as of March 2023. Right now, no one I contacted had offered me any kind of assistance. Most people don't actually invest in the wellbeing of others. It's not that they "go on with their lives". Most of them just shut off, hide in their homes and never question how others will find their way without support of a family.
