When I was very young, I had a nightmare in which the lights were all on at home, but it was darker than ever. It stayed dark and dull, like the hue was turned to a pale light. I tried to turn on other lights, but grey light would surround me. I talked, but no response would come. I realized that it symbolized how the death of loved ones would feel.
I have heard people endlessly repeating words on bereavement: "Suffering loss means lots of tears, not being able to get out of bed, your world is turned upside down and those around you go about with their lives. When the dust settles, you'll be able to take your place, albeit differently".
Well, it is not anything like that to me. You can't tell me I should isolate myself and that I view those around me from a distance, until my world becomes normal again. I never experienced this.
I can tell from a personal experience what I do feel. My mother did not die of old age. She was absolutely not ready to leave. It is an unfinished story. I don't say that out of anger or denial. It not right, nor will it ever be right. It is not right that she was not given time to enjoy her life further. She liked to be here. She did not want to miss me, on the day of her death she felt deep regret that she was dying.
Missing her is not in "Grief is raw".
Missing her is in "There is so much that I want to tell you and so much I want to share with you".
Missing her is in so many emotions that still had to be lived.
And I even more experience survivor's guilt. She has had to endure so much suffering, we both had to endure suffering, it is what happens when a young mother gets cancer for the first time and all of her friends are letting her down because of the cancer-scare. And oh yes, she "looked too good to have cancer", so she was met with envy and scrutiny even though we had no one to fall back on when it was needed. How she eventually had to die from brain tumors, feels like being punished for a crime we have not committed.
Ending up alone like this is not right. Every night I dream we are back in our home and everything turned back to normal. I dream of having arguments over minor things and bigger questions. I dream that we have been heading to a similar scenario, but with a different outcome. I am talking in my sleep. I feel back in February 2023, when I used to talk to her when waking up in the week after her death, and no answer would come. I have nightmares that we have to see for ourselves when she has to leave hospital, paralyzed.
People may tell survivors an awful lot of times that they should not feel guilty to still be alive. Survivor's guilt is in another league.
Survivor's guilt is in not knowing how to carry on the loved one's legacy, in a way that does justice completely to the life of the loved one. Survivor's guilt is about the question of how to be a righteous next of kin.
