'Is loneliness the same as depression?'
A popular question that implies how misunderstood loneliness often is. Reasonably so, as there are different shapes of loneliness.
As I think I have a valuable contribution to this taboo topic (speaking freely to lift the unnecessary taboo), I can tell from a personal account what loneliness does and does not mean to me.
As a child and a young teen, I was never alone. I was surrounded by friends day and night, all year long- except for casual holidays. I was never into introverted activities. Neighbors would hear loud laughter when I had fun with my friends. It would not appear to me that it would be so different, years later.
Then came adolescence. I was generally well-liked, but had no friends in high school as I was not part of any female clique. Some girls did not like me. I was not bullied, but had to deal with peer envy. Girls spread rumors about me, that a 12-year-old (me) underwent plastic surgery to get large boobs and that I was on the verge to steal boyfriends. Gossip is unintelligent. I was not bothered with gossip at all. Even that set me apart. Girls thought I had a huge ego for not joining their mean games.
People tend to think of lonely people as people who are shy, quiet, who have an introverted focus, who avoid being the centre of attention. None of this applied or applies to me. I'd jump right on the train first thing in the morning (5:00) to meet new people, loud events don't exhaust me and I have the energy to be the last one to leave a party. I have been described as "ADHD", a speed skater on a floor of figure skaters or a racing car. I know very few people can handle my biorhythm. My close friends can!
While I never longed to be part of a group, I severely missed companionship. I went to a psychologist. He assured me that loneliness was equal to depression. He set up a meeting with depressed peers.
That was where I noticed a stark contrast: despite popular stereotypes, these depressed youngsters were not sad, but lethargic. They would be low on energy, while I burst from energy throughout life. I have never been "down" or low on energy.
I did not recognize their accounts on feeling inadequate and guilty either. We had nothing in common, except for our longing for good friendship(s).
Just a couple of years later, I would be surrounded by male friends in IT. I seemingly have a male-like, uninhibited sense of wit. This was my ideal place. I felt at home being in their company all day. I still miss those times after changing my major course.
As of 2025, I have a few good friends. I had to bury a friend, which is very sad and confusing. We have been close during an intense time. I have other friends I have long phone conversations with, as they live at a great distance from me. But at "home" during the weekends, when most people head out to their families, I am alone and lonely. I lost my family and my home.
I was made for continuous company. It is still not well understood that some people, including me, easily become lonely and uninspired when not being surrounded by meaningful or enjoyable company. Not everyone is wired for what some like to call "alone-time", as if that is something we all should cherish.
It seems to be hip to put lonely people away as weak-minded, as if they just suffer from not being able to enjoy solitude. That view dismisses human design: an innate desire for connection, where not just anyone will do.
Meaningful connection is not easy to achieve; it can be a lifelong, consuming quest to find those people who really suit you. The same holds good for romantic relations: one does not feel attracted to random people with a bit of a brain and favorable physical traits, it is a subtle process of sensing a multitude of factors in a potential mate.
People with a very narrow, simple view on life, often repeat 'Reach out and you will find friends', 'Find a hobby', 'Go volunteer' or 'Learn to enjoy your own company'. The worst is the unsolicited advice to adopt a pet. However loveable, animals should not be adopted overnight to replace human connection.
Foremost, in understanding loneliness, it should be taken into consideration that friendships depend on attraction, intelligence, energy, biorhythm, humor and empathy, but cultural and economical aspects may be decisive as well.
I, for one, speak with lots of random people during events, strangers strike conversations with me, I easily mingle during events. I am told that I have an open personality, that people feel calm in my company even if I can be chaotic. I notice that one does not need to "break the ice" with me. In other words, I attract people. But that does not mean that I have enough (lots of) friends.
I live in the suburbs where recession hit hard. Life is rough, people are cold, harsh and uninterested. They tend to be increasingly egotistical. There is a lot of violence in my neighborhood. There is no actual sense of community, other than that I befriended a few neighbors. Nothing is quite enjoyable in the socially deplorable state where I reside. My friends live in the upper-state suburbs and it always amazes me how I immediately felt at home, there.
That is what brings me to the different shapes of loneliness: one can be lonely, trapped, undervalued and misunderstood in a marriage and misplaced in the workplace- or in friendships that are not right.
Situational loneliness is often not just a matter of perception. I have been alone for days on end when everyone let me down after my personal loss. Former friends did not want to be confronted with the "cancer scare"; losing a loved one to cancer often scares off "friends". It enraged me to be let down like that during hardship. Many people are actually disappointing and- honestly- cowards. But not all are! I have met just as many people who did mean well. Honest people.
Also, to me, hobbies are not what makes life worth living. My loved one was. And friends season my life. Human connection is the backbone of life. Hobbies, stuff and professional gains are not.
