Peer envy: evolutionary reasonable, more so since the amount of potential threats to mating opportunities is high in modern, tribeless society
From an evolutionary perspective, peer envy, the exclusion of peers that are considered a threat for getting the best mating opportunities, makes sense. Human peer envy is no different from other animals fighting for the best mates. By nature, peer envy will never end.
In modern society, humans live in highly mixed groups, oftentimes without a strong intersocial connection between them. Social classes and families are not strongly organized by tribal lifestyles that once shaped human society. With many potential mating opportunities come many potential threats.
While female peer envy keeps on intruiging society since ancient civilizations such as the Greek and Roman Empires, male peer envy is lesser acknowledged as a means of limiting mating opportunities. Men are more often engaged in physical fights and vandalism, while female peer envy is infamous for its toxic and backstabbing way of harming women that are considered attractive.
Women tend to limit the social network and even career opportunities of peers they consider to be a threat, through backhand complimentism, gossip, spreading lies, trash talking in front of men and friends of their victims. This kind of toxicity does not end by coping with peer envy, as bullies never of hardly ever admit their own wrongdoing. It is even turned on the victim: she is probably hard to deal with, she is probably arrogant, unlikeable, a boring personality, not grateful, not generous.
A very popular question that is often asked, is:
"Why are some beautiful women well-liked and have lots of female friends, while other beautiful women are met with so much hatred?"
There are a few very hard but common myths surrounding peer envy. Answers to these questions may carry a bias of envy within themselves:
"Beautiful women often have horrible personalities"
"They think highly of themselves"
"Attractive women should work on their personalities, since they always rely on their pretty privilege"
"Beautiful girls should learn how to show humility"
"Most beautiful people are ugly and empty inside"
Envy is really ugly. One popular view is that attractive people are hard to get along with and that less attractive people are more intelligent, friendly, generous, funnier. Positive character traits are highlighted as the advantages of being lesser attractive, while negative character traits are associated with physical attractiveness. This overly simplistic view is held that attractive people should develop personality.
Another toxic view is that caring and intelligent attractive people are all equally well-liked by their peers
This
is toxic, because even the most generous of "beautiful" people can be met
with envy and downright with hatred. It would mean you have to show
humility when you are considered attractive just to not make other
people envious. It means you’ll have to go to great lengths to show that
you are an intelligent and generous creature.
It assumes that beautiful people generally rely on their looks. It also assumes that beautiful people who are met with hatred, probably owe the amount of hatred and neglect to themselves and their attitude.
The main truth is that generous attractive people who are intelligent, have a sense of humor, are confident and carry themselves well, attract more envy
The chance that a peer will be well-liked by others, poses an additional threat to already attractive traits.
It may be that some very pretty or beautiful people are respected, well-liked and even admired by their peers, but the biggest factor that attracts toxicity from peers is: charism.
Not every beautiful person oozes charism. It is not so much about the physical properties, but the overall appearance and the unique sense of a person's (sexual and sensual) energy. Some people are very engaging and this will be considered a threat to peers.
Attractive people are discouraged to defend themselves, as they are not "entitled" to speak up
The worst consequence of peer envy and subsequent bullying and social exclusion, is that attractive people are usually not "entitled" to speak up. They may be discouraged to defend themselves and their values. Human interest programs that focus on the lives of attractive people, are usually highly controversial or met with scrutiny.
The Dutch human interest series "Het Mooiste Meisje van de Klas" ("The Most Beautiful Girl in Class") covers the lives and relationships of girls who were considered attractive during their teens. Despite its resonating title, it is not so much about how pretty they are, but the hardships they endure in life and about repelling the common myths on beauty. These myths surrounding attractiveness are the beauty privilege, getting job opportunities, being popular and being able to have a romantic love life.
Popular views on beauty and attraction pose major disadvantages. Most of these "pretty" girls were bullied tremendously, some were even physically abused by their (female) peers. Many of these girls have had stalkers. Some of these girls were raped by friends or family members.
Most of them had to prove that they were worthy of a career, because the beauty misconception have led others to believe that they were unintelligent or weak. Often, these girls that bring up the topic of peer envy, are met with scrutiny all over:
1. "They are not that attractive" (denial);
2. "There is probably something in her personality that turns other people off from starting any kind of companionship based on mutual respect"(blame).
Now, anyone who stands up is met with scrutiny. Attractive people who are bullied tremendously are further pushed into social exclusion because people believe they have no right to complain. They have it coming to them. If they have everything that seems desirable to other people, they should shut up about bringing up the bullying.
Vicious toxic cycle of peer envy
It is just the vicious toxic cycle that peer envy entails- and it becomes worse when other people join in. Victims of peer envy are told that they should adapt to coping mechanisms, like finding friends outside of the social circle they are expelled from. They are told to address envy with their bullies right away. It is not that simple. The problem is that other people are engaged in excluding the "threat" from social opportunities.
Some attractive people may experience for a lifetime to be considered a threat, the moment they meet peers or even people outside their own age group. One cannot make themselves less attractive, charismatic, intelligent, funny, generous, whatever trait seems desirable at one point.
It is eventually not hard to see where peer envy stems from.
Bullies are often burdened with psychological problems and those acting out of peer envy have a low sense of self. Confident, charismatic, talented, intelligent, beautiful, caring, attractive people who don't self-doubt attract peer envy because they carry out characteristics that are desired by many.
But people who dare to speak up to address peer envy, people who openly acknowledge having a good sense of self, are met with an even bigger amount of scrutiny and bullying behavior. Envious people and bullies hate assertiveness. Assertiveness confronts bullies with their failure to instill fear on the targets of their envy.So, it is not about "Why are beautiful people met with hatred?", but a complex of enviable characteristics that attract envy and scrutiny. I noticed that having a balanced sense of self (not needing to be valued through other people's opinions) and acknowledgement of being intelligent attracts the highest amount of envy. I am not a faker. I don't fish for compliments, nor do I diminish myself to fit in. I would never say 'I feel so ugly' or 'I don't know if I'm intelligent'. I openly acknowledge to be intelligent. That does not mean that I am thinking highly of myself. People will always project their false assumptions. I will not back down from addressing peer envy and bullying behavior.
