I feel awful following an episode of tachycardia, early this morning. I had trouble getting out of bed and taking Sotalol, but I even had more trouble finding my coordination. It lasted quite long. In 2018, I had a similar episode that left me bed-bound for almost a day, as I could not stand on my feet. I had to try to walk again after a day. During those episodes, it is impossible for me to perform normal tasks like getting a drink or even going to the bathroom. I just have to remain in my position, whilst feeling already terrible because of a sinus tachycardia of 180 bpm and blood pressure shifting from 180/110 to 150/80 and back.
I know I have no loved ones/family to be of aid, so I have to see for myself. I will not complain about that. But another feeling dawned upon me.
It is almost a year now, being alone following the death of my mother. I realise that I can never return home again. There is never a moment of sharing or anything nice in my life again. I wish I could go back to better times. Not being able to share anything, or have the warmth of a loved one, is terrible. People can tell others that living for themselves is worthwhile, I like to disagree. It is hard to live without a loved one. It is not "being stuck in grief" for acknowledging that living on without a loved one is miserable. Not in the sense of a dark mood or sadness, but a realistic sense: I find it awful.
