I asked A.I. to explain my loneliness. I took to A.I. for psychological advice. What the bot said, was pretty accurate.
I asked:
"How could it be explained that I can easily befriend people and I am not shy, have no fear of rejection and I am not introspective focused, but I turn out being alone and lonely?"
Because, I never drew back, I reached out, I never clawed up, I am not one to hide myself at any time, it's not an inability to form relationships, but none of this alleviated my loneliness.
Yes: A.I. explored my loneliness! According to A.I., my loneliness likely is rooted in a lack of meaningful connections, a lack of shared interests and values with my lots of acquaintances, while my independency and situational loneliness further deepen my lack of meaningful relationships.
I know what does contribute to my loneliness. My female peers still view me as competition in adulthood and people who meet me suspect that I am highly gifted. It is a common popular myth that gifted people are introspective-focused or fail to use their social skills. The opposite is true, but that's not what it's about. The harshest myth surrounding giftedness that severes loneliness, is that gifted people are arrogant, standoffish and too easily done with people.
It's different: not being able to carry out their full potential means that gifted people will not meet sufficient likeminded peers. But for me, as a female, I foremost have to combat the stigma of looking like a seductress to others. I never saw myself as a siren and I am not a player, but I have literally been called "those tits", "attention whore", "sex-bitch", "overdone looker", "anorexic", "slut" since hitting puberty at age...7.
At age 7, I was not going into thelarche, but full stage 3 and 4 development. I had a cup B when I turned 8 and my teacher told me "hide your tits" and dubbed me "everlasting cleavage" in class.
It still happens to me that someone notices me upon entering the room and decides within a second that I am competition
Two weeks ago, I was at a meeting. That night, as I entered the conference room, a woman elbowed a woman my age, next to her. She pointed towards me and started whispering. She started checking me out, from top to toe, my dress, my face, my hair, the way I was talking to other people I just met. She took a seat beside me. And all the while she was staring up and down. I caught her gaze every now and then. She refused to share a word with me. She had decided that I was competition from the second she noticed me. A competition I hadn't asked for. There is no good reason to lock me out of companionship, but this is my reality: it happens to me very often that I get no peers to talk to because they feel I will be competition.
'You look every inch the popular girl'
This is not to say "Oh wow, look at me, I am so perfect".
I have been told that people assumed that I was the popular girl. They assume that if you're considered pretty/attractive/beautiful by others, you will be popular among (female) peers. The opposite is the case.
As a girl aged 5, I have been assaulted by a 12-year-old. She attacked me because she hated me for looking like a girly girl- "A Barbie doll". She gave me a bleeding ear and a swollen jaw. I did not cry, I didn't even panic. It was just when I returned home that my mother discovered my injuries and stepped to said bully's mom, who admitted that her daughter assaulted me because she was tremendously bullied by peers for "resembling a butch".
In elementary school, I was again assaulted when I turned 6. This time, my bullies were three girls who were preparing for secondary education. I had never seen them, they came out of nowhere. I was not scared of them, but me defending myself was considered offensive. I called a teacher in and told my bullies to admit that they had assaulted me. My teacher told me to keep it to myself! I would only evoke more hatred should I stand up to these bullies, who were much bigger than me. I would not stand a chance when they would use their full body weight to sit on me, all three of them.
My mother would find out that the bully's leaders' mother was the one who had tried to hit my mother with her car when my mother was riding her bike with me sitting in the back of her bike. That woman came driving onto the cycle path to strike my mother's bike. My mother could only avoid being ran over by the car by getting of the cycle path immediately. The bully's leaders' mother was the personification of trailer trash. She envied both my mother and me: my mother for being attractive and me for being intelligent, loved and being viewed as the pretty child whereas the bully's mother did not appreciate her own daughter. Her daughter was called "The Pug" and "The Stupid One" by her classmates. It turned out that after 6 years of school, my bully was still illiterate and struggled academically. She would go on to become a teen mom with a violent husband who was openly known to cheat on her.
Bully behavior is often initiated and nurtured by crazy moms who are deeply envious of other mothers and their offspring
These mothers in elementary school were really crazy, nasty creatures. A mother had torn my new coat to shreds with a pair of scissors. Another threw a whole carton of chocolate milk over me (I never drank chocolate milk, hence it made no sense she even walked up to me to "spill" chocolate all over me).
Elementary school is meant to mix the offspring from people of all social classes and cognitive capacities, but it is just no good. To me, nothing positive stems from formal education.
Our school system was based upon the formation of groups. In class, we were appointed a place within one of 6 groups. I clashed with three of these groups and when I finally befriended one of these groups and enjoyed chatting and joking all day, I was punished by being promoted back to the group of girls I argued with every single day. None of these classmates were really bright. Some of them were kind, but the "popular group" was just plain unintelligent and sluggish. I was assumed to be gifted and therefore a threat to others. From age 3 until now, I have on several occassions been confronted with the question whether I am truly gifted. That explained why I had no lasting friendships from school.
On a side note, it is not me who is particularly concerned with the question of being highly intelligent or gifted. I tick many of the boxes of giftedness. But the only thing important to me is finding a likeminded mate in life. Someone I would not have to inhibit myself for, who I can feel truly myself with, without a major discrepancy between our worlds of emotion, cognition and action.
Bullying: powered by teachers, even by bully-teachers
Like I said, I was never one to be scared of bullies. I even drew the attention to me because I stood up. I have always been an assertive child. I immediately reported the bullying to the head of the school, but he assured me that I should not stand up against bullies, for I would have it coming to me.
1. Bully victims are told they should adapt, but they are not the ones who should change themselves our their behavior. Those who say "You should become assertive" are mostly teachers who do not condemn bullying behavior but instead turn the focus on how the victim should behave. Those enablers, teachers who to nothing to expel bullies, are the problem.
2. Everyone is discouraged to stand up against bullies. This applies to those defending themselves against mature bullies as well.
If the teacher is the bully
In pre-academic education, we had to deal with a severe bully-teacher who called out his students in class. He even humiliated a classmate in front of us. He used slurs and threats.
I took the initiative to report his bullying behavior. The Dean refused to pick up my complaint.
The other day, other students went to the Dean's office to submit their complaints on this teacher's abusive behavior. He had used harmful tropes. The Dean told all of us that we would severe our already strained relationship with this teacher.
There he was, at our graduation party. He was seated next to the Dean. These phony people put on their fake smiles to celebrate their wonderful experience in teaching.
After elementary school and throughout adult life: "You have it all going for you". Well, that is a good excuse to single me out...
I was never bullied by my own peers or classmates. Apart from these 2 incidents, I was never even openly bullied. It was rather subtle. Since high school, I was socially excluded by my female peers. I was considered to be forward, intelligent, high-class, high-minded, but also competition.
From my early days in high school (I was 12), girls had passed on to each other that I was doing modeling jobs, but also that I was a ballet dancer and an athlete. I had no clue how they had come up with these ideas, but I was judged upon my appearance. Yes, I looked athletic and yes, I had model proportions. I did not do sports or fitness. I never had to follow a diet. These peers probably thought it was justified to outcast me, since (they said) "I had it all going for me": 'Yeah, you. You have no right to complain'.
"You have no right to complain"
I had girls come up to me and pluck my face or touch my brows because they thought I was wearing makeup. They pulled at my hair because they thought I had extensions. The envy deepened when they learned I never wore makeup. I had one friend trying to trash my neck chain because she thought I was wearing genuine gold jewelry. Classmates looked up were I had bought my clothes. I got comments on not wearing what they were all wearing, like I was looking down on their looks. I did not join fashion trends. I was considered too "fashion-forward" for having my very own dress sense.
I learned later that "friends' had talked behind my back: they had made up that I had silicon implants and that I underwent plastic surgery. The secretly called me 'anorexic-with-tits". I was called a slut and a maneater since the age of 12. Girls felt it was a good excuse to outcast me because their male friends liked me. I got along with the boys well. I shared their interests and their sense of humor. I was into biology, math, but also computing and doing odd jobs.
My female peers called me out for being a "seductress". I was not even concerned with coming across as attractive. I never considered myself to be there to please the boys or attract male attention; I was interested in intelligent topics, like science. I was interested in men, but not just anybody. I wanted a creative, intelligent and mature boyfriend who would be uplifting instead of those blokes who relied on the gain of popularity.
I was finally outcast when so-called female friends my age witnessed me being sexually harassed by a commutor on a train ride. They decided that I had provoked the attention of men. Upon graduation, I was completely ignored by my female peers. They called every female classmate in for the final gathering. Even the girls that were considered the loners were called in- except me. Instead, a father of a classmate embarassed his family when he started taking loads of pictures of me in their presence. He called me "Princess Snow White" while his wife was seated next to him and left his seat when I had to pick up my diploma. It was downright bizarre.
People claiming entitlement are a major problem: I wasn't even allowed to join discussions with bully victims, since "I don't appear to have been a target"
You'd think that coming off age will make a difference, as people mature. But adult life had been not any different for me when it comes to social exclusion by female peers. I have had my fair share of male friends. On one side, I lost male friends because they wanted more than friendship, thus ruining the friendship bond. On the other side, I lost my male friends because their girlsfriends/fiancees/wives did not agree upon our friendship.
During college, we once discussed bullying and the impact on bully victims. The discussion was awful, as it left me with further exclusion: bully victims told me "You have nothing to complain about".
Complaining is not the point. It meant that everyone was entitled to be a bully victim, unless people think you have everything going for you.
I literally resent my life engraved by loneliness, zero luck and suffering a tremendous loss- but people still exclude me for coming across as someone "who has it going for them"
I noticed that there is zero sympathy for people who are considered by others to have everything going for them. Like I said, if I tell people that I have never had female friends since age 12, it is considered a complaint instead of an illustration of how social exlusion can work out.
My mother has had cancer 5 times. The first time was when I was still a child in elementary school, the second was when I had just finished secondary school and the third time was when I graduated from university. All of these times I had no social network to rely on. I had no one to talk to. The second time she was hit with cancer, I shared it in class, but peers assumed that I could cope by my own. The fifth and final, fatal time was 1 January 2023. An awful time. Again, even in hospital I was treated harshly because the manager felt envy when she met me. She told me that I could see for myself. I requested help and was denied of any help. In the palliative unit, people also assumed that I probably had friends to share my sadness with.
On the night of my mother's death, I either had to take all of our stuff with me to return "home" by public travel or I either had to call a cab. No one was there to help me get home at 11:30 P.M. I had people tell me it would be inhumane would their family members had to travel home all alone after the loss of the most important person in their life- well, here I am.
You know what hurt me the most and will haunt me until my death? My mother and I were alone in this and I was the only one to see her in het coffin.
My mother, like me, had no problems befriending people but she was a lifelong victim of female envy and stalker behavior by men who saw her. My mother was not even allowed to visit her closest female friends once they got married. They were concerned that their husbands would fall in love with my mother. Well, it happened. The husband of a befriended neighbor of us told my mother that she was secretly the love of his life. She was shocked. She did not know what to reply. The husband of our neighbor next door sneaked into our yard at night. I was still a toddler. When I heard something and asked where that sound came from, my mother looked out of the window, straight into our neighbors' face. He got stuck between the conifers and yew. My mother wasn't even allowed to visit birthday parties anymore.
I dare to say that the life of a female who is considered a siren, a seductress, charming, witty, intelligent, wise, can be greatly hampered by female envy. Sadly, those around envious women do often go along with their behavior.
That means that the envied one will end up leading a lonely life. I do. People still assume, after my loss and with zero support, that I have everything going for me. I don't say I want to trade my life with anyone else. But I hate my life very much.
Dropping a photo load of mindless reflections
I'm just going to show you what I look like. I have never been volptuous. Standing 1,77 1/2 metres tall, I am not very tall, neither short. However, I am usually taller than the people I meet and I have always been the tallest in class and college. I was not teased with my height, but I have a natural low Body Mass Index (I have been 55 kilograms since age 13, when I was 1,75 m of height) of 17,9 at most and to this very date, women like to spread the rumor that I am anorexic.
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I've always had to double my food intake. This is me at my fullest. If I lose weight, my bones stick right through and it hurts to just sit down
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That there, is Kid Amnesiae. My favorite Radiohead disk, next to TKOL. You should listen to the entirely orchestral "How to Disappear Into Strings"; a Masterpiece.
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This is me demolishing the outdoor table. I don't have pants, workwear, jeans, homewear or sportswear
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This is my favorite dress. I have had this since age 15. Since the upper piece has become a sheer cotton from aging and washing it almost weekly, I only wear this at home
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I would have loved this to be a totally white cotton dress
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I am a natural cross between an athletic build and a pear. This is what I look like not doing sports or fitness. To be honest, I think it's crazy that I have often been called out for being the "seductress" while I am not voluptuous. Some men even openly found my protruding hip and shoulder bones and knuckles creepy.
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Sometimes I feel like looking trashy. Around the house. I will not leave the door like this, with legs completely revealed. Very short dresses are never elegant
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Here I am wearing eyeshadow and just a face cream. I was told I looked plastic. I am not looking into the camera because I have very light-colored eyes. They are sensitive but also turn red on pictures if the camera flashes into my eyes.
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