Loneliness is depicted by media outlets and social networks as:
- Intense sadness;
- Social anxiety;
- Social awkwardness;
- A low sense of self-worth and even self-deprication;
- The need for reassurance and validation;
- Feeling invisible;
- Depression
I am vocal about addressing the myths and misconceptions surrounding loneliness. Why? I don't match any of the abovementioned "characteristics" to depict loneliness.
I am the opposite of a recluse, I never experienced feelings of inadequacy or social anxiety, not even in adolescence. On the contrary, I have always had a strong and balanced sense of identity and I have never been held back by anything or anyone. I have always stood my ground in the worst circumstances. I never second-guess my decisions. I am not prone to worrying. None of the clichés surrounding loneliness applies to me.
I never compare myself to others, nor do I feel like a misfit. Not that it is decisive in loneliness, but I don't have an introspective focus. I am good at chitchat, I like to talk to strangers. Making friends and meeting people is easy for me and I feel best in lively surroundings.
I don't feel rejected; the popular "I never fit in anywhere"-myth is not how I experience loneliness at all. I don't care what other people think of me, I am authentic and do not feel the need to be liked by just everyone.
None of this means that I am a snob, although people sometimes tell me that they thought I was an elitist when they first met me. Just because I don't want to mingle with everyone, doesn't make me arrogant or standoffish.
What describes me best, is that I have a straightforward personality. I don't need euphemisms and I am vocal about my emotions. I am the opposite of people who exhibit passive aggressive behavior; if something's bothering me, I like to address the problem directly. This does not imply that I am not tactful. I am. I can go out of my way to not publicly shame a person or make them look awkward, but not out of forced politeness or moralism. People do view me as spirited/temperamental and impatient and that it why I tend to be avoided by some.
What loneliness means to me
I already said that I have an easy time meeting people or making friends. My loneliness is rooted in two phenomena:
- I don't have a family left. I am not subjectively lonely, but objectively. It is not just perception; I don't have loved ones because my loved one is dead. I do know that I am a Slavic person with Asian ancestry, but I don't know where the rest of my family resides, as our family history is ruined by false adoption and assimilation (my family name was erased. Attempts to track my family through the autorities in The Hague, were to no avail);
- I experience situational loneliness. I do have friends that I can trust, but they live too many miles away from me. In my neighborhood, I can't find meaningful connection because most of my peers don't share any interests with me. I have a few neighbors I have spent days and evenings with, but most of my fellow citizens (peers) prefer binge-watching Netflix, frequenting a takeaway for fastfood or gambling. I am talkative and outgoing.
I feel drained when I have to be alone, at home. It is not that I can't stand my own company, it is not how I was wired; I need buzz, like a bit of chaos, noises, people to chat with and I have a very high physical drive.
I need equal and fulfilling connections. Sharing the same kind of energy, sharing values and interest in life is important to me.
I love it when people are interested in a broader range of topics, not gossip fitness or your latest Netflix watch. To be honest, I would not be able to create satisfying connections with lonely persons who spend the day on the couch or in bed, binging Netflix series or reading chicklits. It's not that I would not be able to like/love them, but I have too much energy to resonate with them. In other words: "Anyone will do" does not apply to me.
I also have a profession with important stakes (privacy) as well, I need people to respect that. My friends, who are a scientist, a pharmacist and artists, understand that. I can't share much about my work when I strike up a conversation with acquaintances or during a party. People sometimes get the impression that don't want to talk about my work, while I can't and won't share the "juice".
The assumption that lonely people are a bunch of sad people in despair, is plain wrong. Being lonely can be due to various reasons, one of which is situational loneliness. Being lonely does not necessarily create companionship between two lonely people, or even in a group. Compatibility of personal traits, intellectual capacities and interests are common factors that are pivotal to create meaningful connections. Not two people will resonate just over being lonely.
Why is it wrong to assume that loneliness is the same as depression?
While loneliness can bring about depression and unhappiness, the root of depression is different, as are the symptoms. From a personal view, I have had a few friends with mood disorders who did not feel "just sad", but reported a persistent lack of energy. Apart from a severe lack of energy, depression can be characterized by persistent feelings of hopelessness, self-doubt, worthlessness that infringe with daily activities. A person with clinical depression might not even be able to get out of bed, dress up, go grocery shopping or to go to work.
People with mood disorders may report feeling persistent sadness without external factors.
These symptoms don't align with loneliness, which is a lack of adequate relationships at the root of feeling unfulfilled and dissatisfyed.
Is normalization of loneliness the solution?
No. First of all, normalization of a hurtful emotion as is loneliness, differs from learning to live in solitude. Some people may adapt to solitude easily and not feel lonely. Telling lonely persons that "being lonely should be normalized" is telling people to adapt to persistent negative consequences of loneliness.
Time alone is not a blessing, nor an opportunity to find fulfilment of one finds meaning in connections with others.
What is the difference between situational loneliness, perceived loneliness and codependency?
Situational loneliness occurs when opportunities are missing to find meaningful relationships. This type of loneliness is not confined to perception; poverty, chronic illness, separation, deceased loved ones and even the environment (the neighborhood) contribute to actual and even absolute loneliness.
Perceived loneliness if the type that a person experiences even with good friends. Codependency means that a person needs company for affirmation and reassurance.
Why is it harmful to push lonely persons into solitude?
Humans in general are designed to communicate and cooperate with fellow human beings. One would deny the design of the limbic system, even, when saying that solitude is a natural way of living. There is a neurological reason for the need of meaningful connections.
Some may prefer solitude after a string of bad relationships. It does not take away from the fact that most people need fulfilling connections. One cannot compare these two entirely different positions. "It is better to live in solitude than to have a bad relationship" and "I need meaningful connections" are not two opposites; a false dichotomia is popularized to favor solitude. Enjoying solitude for a while after a bad relationship might be a retreat and provide relief, but it does not mean that lasting solitude stimulates one's wellbeing.
Above all, you have to be wired for solitude to actually find joy in solitude. This does not apply to people who love to be surrounded by company (even at all times). Individuals who draw their inspiration and energy from activities with other people, will feel underwhelmed, uninspired and drained when having to live in solitude. This does not mean that they are "weak".
Self-support groups in the internet community promote the normalization of loneliness. Why is this toxic behavior?
1. Loneliness is stigmatized as "Just a mindset"
The complexity of emotions, the negative impact of loneliness and the basic human need for meaningful relationships are reduced to a state of mind that one should just "think their way out of". The dynamics of human relationships, personal needs and suffering as a consequence of loneliness are dismissed. The stigma of "Loneliness as just a mindset" dismisses the human sense of belonging and need for support in life. As a result, a lonely person might even be ashamed to address the topic of loneliness as support groups suggest a weakness of mind.
2. Lonely individuals are dismissed as "Persons who can't enjoy being alone"
"If you don't like being alone, you are in bad company"
"If you learn to enjoy your own company, you'll never be lonely"
"People who need other people, are just dependent"
These stigmatizing views are an oversimplification of the multifaceted phenomenon of loneliness.
A basic human need for meaningful connections is discarded as dependency.
Suffering from loneliness is dismissed as "lacking self-worth", thereby invalidating genuine emotions and personal preferences. People who are wired for company, are not reliant on other just for finding joy in meaningful connections. Not finding solace in solitude does not mean that an individual is unable to enjoy their own company. In other words, it does not mean that a person who does not find solace in solitude, depends on other people for affirmation or reassurance.
Harmful positivity: people are pushed to enjoy loneliness and solitude and if they don't, they are depicted as losers who are dependent on validation by others
